Anxiety

Overcome

“Did you want to read the diagnosis I’ve written down?”

I knew I wasn’t breathing. Holding my breath while knowing full well what the diagnosis was, but choosing not to believe it. I nodded anyway and stretched out my hand.

“Why does that make you cry?” my therapist asked.

The big fat tears came and I had an immediate sore throat while I was choking back tears; I was angry. I covered my mouth with the sheet of paper in my hand trying to hide from the vulnerability I worked so hard to keep at bay.

“There’s something about seeing it on paper. It makes it so real,” I tried not to sob.

I don’t remember exactly what she said or what our plan was after that, but I am confident that admitting I was a high-functioning anxious and depressed mother of two was the beginning of my healing.

The girl six years before all three pregnancies wouldn’t know this girl, today. I wouldn’t have known what to think about mental health before I became a mom. In fact, I ignored it altogether. I don’t think I assumed it was fake, but I didn’t want to wrestle with the idea of it. I was in denial until I officially read my diagnosis. Once I came face-to-face with it, I was afraid. I was suffering multiple panic attacks per day, chest pain, restlessness, an inability to focus or eat without rushing to the bathroom due to feeling sick. My nerves were fried. My legs, feet, and hands tingled while I tried to rock my six month old baby as I let my worries overtake me, and I had a hard time enjoying the wonder of new life.

I saw a myriad of medical professionals before finally deciding to set an appointment with a therapist. None of them listened to me. They often came into the room with an agenda. They gave the excuse that my symptoms, at their black and white level, were so similar to multiple diagnosis that I’d have to try multiple medications to determine what works and what doesn’t. But here would be my next problem: being that I was anxious, I was also anxious about taking the anti-anxiety medication. What new flight of symptoms would ensue with each little pill?

I recently began listening to Heather Chauvin and her “Mom is in Control” podcast. She brought up Dr. Kelly Brogan and her book “A Mind of Your Own” and I had my first ah-ha moment. Dr. Brogan states that depression and anxiety are symptoms, not diseases. Meaning, when there is something else going on, anxiety and depression are logical and typical repercussions for anyone.

Did you know that depression and anxiety are one of the most commonly prescribed conditions, today? Please go and listen to an excerpt from Dr. Brogan’s book via kellybroganmd.com Our bodies tend to have symptoms of depression and anxiety because of underlying issues.

As I continued to work with Janelle in our sessions, I learned to put into practice “so then what” statements after I admitted each of my fears. I tried gratitude lists and what-I-can-control lists. I committed to weekly yoga and some form of physical exercise a couple times per week. My husband went on a health reformation kick and I begrudgingly went along with some of it.

I had allowed myself to be depleted. I often chose to get a load of laundry done or to scrub the floor over sitting and rocking my newborn. I allowed myself to struggle to pour from an empty cup and the result was physical ailments, daily discomfort, and hard times for our family… My husband wanted so badly to help me, but all he could do was listen, help care for the kids, and and allow me the space to find natural remedies.

When we became pregnant with our third, I immediately had reservations about what would ensue. I reinvested in self-care practices (as much as any mother allows herself to) hoping that I could stave off some of the “blow” once our next little guy arrived. I reminded myself of all the things that worked and I opened up to my husband and my best friends about my concerns. And they rallied around me, ready to help me deal, again.
Here I am 12 months postpartum after our third boy, and I have had familiar episodes of depression and anxiety. The unpredictability of the weather, sickness, and relying on others throws me off balance. My controlling, perfectionistic nature has to be set aside in order for me to find healing and happiness, and that takes a moment-to-moment wrestling with all of my pessimistic inner thoughts.

One more thing Chauvin said in her podcast via episode 545 that has rung true for me: “Nobody wants to feel all the negative stuff. I invite you to feel all of the fear… because we have to realize that our feelings are part of the human experience. And if we avoid them… that is where we’re taking action from a place of lack and scarcity.”

So, that’s what I am working on. Feeling things and being o.k. with feeling things. Then, attempting to allow those feelings to pass. They are temporary. A symptom or reaction of whatever circumstance I am going through. I cannot control most things, but I can control how I choose to react to those things. However much I am overcome by feeling, I can feel it fully and then let it go like a deep breath.