Anxiety

Mind Games

I was sitting in a conference room looking into the eyes of three gentlemen from the administration of a professional basketball team and I could feel it start to bubble to the surface. I thought to myself, no, I’ve got this and reached for the glass of water that I knew to ask for before the meeting had started. Even now as I am typing this all out, I can tell there is a change in my breathing. It was coming on strong, then.

I listened to my coworker do her thing as she answered questions and I began to worry that the presentation I’d prepared for this wouldn’t launch properly. So then, the welling-up inside of me started to take over my ability to stay present. My breathing became more labored and I attempted to hide everything going on within me from my facial features. All I had to do was seem engaged in the conversation.

I made up a detailed scenario in my head that involved what I could do to escape quickly. In one swift movement I’d declare “excuse me, but it was a long drive” and I’d use the bathroom to try to pull myself together. I worried how that’d look or if they’d think, wow that gal is weird… asking for water and then asking to leave the meeting 5 minutes in to use the restroom? Isn’t our time important?

Truthfully, I noticed that I was starting to have some panic as I chatted with my coworker in the lobby waiting on one of the guys to bring us back. Actually, I remember brushing it aside in the car-ride across the state to get here. Or, maybe it was when I was gathering up my things at my desk or before buckling my seatbelt in the car. Now I remember, it was letting me know it was going to steal me away from the day while I was getting ready this morning. It’s been there, waiting to grab this moment from me.

I heard a queue for my part of our meeting to start so I pulled out my laptop, shakily. Then one of the gentlemen requested to go over another question with my coworker and I used that moment to try to steal myself back from the irrationalness of my mind. I was having a hard time focusing, but I was determined not to let the panic win. I took the reprieve to try one of the only exercises that has helped stop my panic attacks.

I put my hands in my lap slightly below the table so that they were not in view. Then, I took my right thumb and pointer finger and I squeezed the space between my thumb and pointer finger on my left hand. Next, I focused back on the conversation and started to notice specific details about the room and the people in it. I realized I liked the gentleman-on-the left’s sweater. The gentleman in the middle had really pretty eyes. The gentleman on my right was handsome, but he was definitely uninterested in this meeting. I then contributed a remark to the conversation, everyone laughed and we moved into my part of the show.

We crushed the rest of the meeting, and it was fun to get to know the guys face-to-face. Their offices were trendy and updated, and we could tell they have fun at work when a coworker opened the glass door to the conference room to interrupt our meeting and say, “Don’t be late for the party at 3:00”.

On our way out, I found myself admiring their office space. Everything was open and hopping with activity. Their break room was not a room but truly in the middle of the space at the top of a circular staircase. It had a row of cabinets with a counter top underneath in marble. A shiny back splash was illuminated behind a single sink, and in front of it all there was a giant island in the same marble top with a basket of fruit setting atop. They also had a small, old-fashioned popcorn cart for a freshly popped snack. I thought to myself, this would be fun – working in the middle of a city on a floor of a building overlooking downtown.

As we walked out I breathed a sign of relief. I made it through it. I don’t know that anyone noticed… And I thanked the good Lord, for that.