Momming

Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water

Jimmy has gotten croup almost once a year every year since he turned one.
One of the best ways to relieve the symptoms is to go outside in the cold so that your airways open up. Little did we know at this moment that he was going to get much worse.

The surest sign my Jimmy is getting sick is when he starts acting-out. We were at our children’s museum yesterday and he took s toy away from another boy. He didn’t take it away by accident. I told him not to and he defiantly looked me in the eye and did it anyway.

You may not understand, but Jimmy has a bleeding heart for everyone. He thinks of everyone else, first. He’s the first to give something away that he’s playing with. As an example, at church when some chatchke representing that week’s bible verse is passed out and one of the kids voices their sadness about getting something unlike everyone else’s, Jimmy immediately offers, “You can have mine.”

When we pass by someone on the street corner holding a cardboard sign asking for money, Jimmy asks why they’re doing that. We briefly explain that they may not have a job and so may not have a place to stay or money to buy groceries and Jimmy bursts into tears asking how it could be that they don’t have a home? And, what can we do to help?

So, when he shows any kind of selfishness, I know he’s about to be sick or have a growth spurt or some kind of change in his life.

I think that’s very normal. When I’m not feeling well, I start looking inwardly. I need that chocolate or I need some time to myself. Actually, ever since I’ve become a parent and all of the creature comforts I had enjoyed before kids have been few or far between, I have looked more inwardly. There’s something restorative about focusing on one’s self.

Having a bleeding heart is both a blessing and a curse. When I started to note how much Jimmy was like me, I became fearful for him. I’ve lost sleep over worrying for others. I’ve been anxious about everyone else’s worries. I want to help everyone in any way I know how, and usually that’s by listening and giving my time and then shouldering their hopes and fears with them. Even though I’m not the one going through it, I am going through it.

Is this you, too?

This ability of mine to take on everyone else’s concerns is a gift to them and to me in that I’ve learned so much more. But, it’s also been a lot to bear in addition to my own struggles. I often forget myself and my needs until I’m burnt out. And then I take someone else’s toy.

So, seeing Jimmy be a little stubborn and demanding for his own self reminds me of both my strength and my weakness. On one hand, it kind of makes me proud. Speak up for your needs, boy! On the other, I know why he’s doing that. It’s because he’s waited to take care of himself a little too long. He feels tapped out. He’s in need of those things he doesn’t allow himself otherwise and he needs them right now or maybe in excess. It’s like when your car’s been notifying you it has been on empty for the past few times you’ve started it up and you continue to ignore it. Soon, it will be puffing fumes and you’ll need to get ready to push the two ton vehicle to the nearest gas station for rescuing. Then, it takes you twice as long to fill the tank before it can function, once again.

I loathe the words “self care”. They sound weak and selfish and ambiguous. But, they don’t have to be. This is what I’ve been working on: YOU are important. We need YOU. It’s like sleep and water and air…. You are those things to the world and to the people in your life! It is not selfish to take a moment for you.

Focusing on ourselves in-between all of the time that we give to others – as parents, as coworkers, as friends – allows us to refill our cups so that we may pour more goodness out. We can better fulfill our purpose. And self-care can mean a variety of things: going for walks, taking naps, drinking tea, drinking coffee, doing yoga, going on a run, reading a book, listening to a podcast, watching your children play, playing golf, having a cocktail with friends, sitting on your front porch, and on and on and on.

I grew up with three basic principals: eat your salad before your dinner, work hard every day, and always save your money. While these are very, very important principals and they have made me into who I am (and who I am is necessary to the world, just as you are necessary to the world) I think there was something else that maybe could have been instilled in me at an earlier age to help me better shoulder my anxiety later on in life. You are allowed to treat yo’ self and, in fact, it is a welcomed practice as it refills your cup.

As the great Elizabeth Gilbert reminds us, “Grace will take you places hustling can’t.”

So, while Zach and I plan to teach Jimmy the wonderful values of eating vegetables first and working hard and saving money, we are also going to show him grace so that he can give himself the grace he needs. What we show ourselves, we show others. Example is life’s greatest teacher.

It’s funny – many may need to work with their children on the age-old adage: Do unto others what you would have them do for you. Actually, many may need to work on that adage themselves… But in this family with my genes, it’s: Do unto yourself as you would do for others. Because you matter. And a healthier, happier you can do more.