Momming

Always Robbing Peter

I’ll never forget sitting in 10th grade Chemistry Lab and feverishly scribbling answers on a worksheet due for the next period’s English class. My Chem teacher, Coach Opperman, peered over his desk at me and said, “Dear, you’re never going to get anywhere by robbing Peter to pay Paul.”

I had no idea what the heck he was talking about. He must’ve noticed my dumbfounded expression because he shook his head and stood up and I readied myself for whatever he was planning to say next.

“If what you’re working on there is not for my class, then you’re missing out on what you could be learning here while you’re scrambling to finish something due for someone else’s class.”

Of course, I was caught. Of course, that was essentially what I was doing. But, I was at the point of winter semester where everything was due at the same time – dance team competitions, yearbook deadlines, 2A Today Broadcasting segments, testing for all of my college prep courses, and wondering if one of my lab partners would ask me to Prom…

I’ve always had my hands in several projects at once. And, at that point, I knew my lab partners had our current chemistry assignment in the bag, so it afforded me the time to complete sub-par work for English. That’s called strategy.

Well, I can honestly say that I’ve never heeded Coach Opp’s advice. Although, I have considered it often throughout my life and I have used it to quickly justified my actions many times. I will admit to you now, I do envy the essentials of the phrase.

Did you know, that only 2% of our 7 Billion+ population actually has the capacity to multitask? Look-it-up. It’s real. That being said, I have no idea how I would’ve been prepared for motherhood – let alone working-motherhood – without honing in on my multi-tasking skills all throughout my life. Poor Peter… so robbed…

I kept my calendar packed in high school with extra-curricular and volunteer activities, and upon officially registering for my freshman year at Ohio State, I hurried to sign-up for their programs like the Ohio Welcome Leader (OWL) program. I knew this would force me to enter my first college year early and meet people so I wouldn’t feel so alone on a big ‘ol campus. It would also keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t be thinking about (or feeling) how much I already missed my high school boyfriend or my family and friends.

I suppose multi-tasking is an escape mechanism for me, in many ways. And I discovered this after having children. It almost became my demise and sank me heavier into postpartum depression after having our second child. You see, the more you busy yourself, the less you feel. And then when you sit down- OH MY – those feelings all-of-a-sudden weigh heavy like a cinder block on your shoulders and neck, and then they ooze all over your body and enter through your eyes, ears, and nostrils leaving you feeling beyond overwhelmed, nauseous, shaky… In the end, you have to feel. The avoidance makes the feelings you work to avoid feel more.

Let me paint some pictures for you and you can tell me if you’re the same way.

You’ve endured 26 hours of labor. You push for an hour and a half before they finally call the doctor and use a vacuum to extract your first-born. They sew-up your fourth degree tear while you’re holding your miracle. The pain medication begins to wear-off; you can guess the four-letter-word-that starts to enter your mind… but sure! Bring in all of the friends and family. Keep that painted smile on your face to distract from the major grimace you’re holding back. Watch your husband fall into a panic attack when you get home. All the while, you know it’s almost Thanksgiving and then Christmas so go finish those homemade gifts and do some baking while you waddle around your tiny kitchen. Feelings? What are those?

Eventually, you level-out and life goes on (and by that I mean you get pregnant more quickly than anticipated). But the second time around, you labor for just 12 hours and push only once. You’re over the moon! You may have pooped-on-the-table, but your bundle of joy is here and you feel GREAT, comparatively. You’re standing up and cleaning up the debris of the hospital room. You go home and immediately start tidying up and doing laundry while everyone else holds the baby. When you sit down, your legs start to tremble and your back aches. Why can’t you sit and simply enjoy this tiny, new life like you had hoped for?

And then you decide to do this thing a third time. You feel the finality in every mile-marker. Time – and HARD WORK (i.e. Yoga) – has healed most of what you experienced after your second. You’re mindful. You’re gracious. But, you still battle the need to avoid the feelings – however hormonal they may be – rather than sit with them. Talk to them. Learn from them. Notice and let go.

If you felt any of these things after having your little ones, or if you didn’t allow yourself to feel the feelings, then I know you know what I’ve gone through. We’re together in this maternal avoidance.

Maybe you’re like me and have struggled with allowing any feelings all your life. Feelings are for the quiet, alone times. Feelings only show-up in the dark. Maybe you’ve never let yourself just be vulnerable or let yourself be helped. I get you.

But, here’s the point (if there is one). Peter matters. Paul matters. And, though feelings are freaking hard, they can live with us simultaneously alongside all the day-to-day.

I’ve tried to bury them, to keep them at bay, but they’re here. Always.

As a good friend of mine once said at one of my lowest points after having our second, “Hard things can be good things. Good things can be hard things.”

When I look back on my postpartum experiences, I regret not sitting in the moments. They were all challenging for many of the same and very different reasons. My body changed in the seven years I was pumping out babies, but I had a hard time allowing my heart to change along with these changes.

I say it all the time, my boys broke me. My Type-A, controlling, and multi-tasking personality had hit a cross-roads. When I finally recognized this and allowed myself to feel the newness and the pain and the diligence of becoming a new mom to one… then two… then three, that’s where I finally found solace on the other side of all-the-feelings. Peter, Paul, and Ashley were finally fully listened to, acknowledged, and ultimately sat-with until they EACH felt all-the-things, and it was good. There is time for each of us.

Multitasking is fine – I feel, it’s necessary – but so is its antonym: focus. Focus on YOU. Focus on the moment you’re in. Moments will come, and they will go… Don’t forget, YOU are allowed to enjoy them, too.