Purpose

Our Truth is in our Girlfriends

For a short time now, I have been making a point to go grab drinks with a couple of gals who I’ve become closer friends with over these early career and childbearing years. Honestly, their presence and the conversations we get to have together have helped me through some of the questions deep down in my soul.

I love these girls, mostly because they are fearless. I mean that. They would do ANYTHING for their families, just like I would, but also they’ve shown that they know in their guts that they deserve to have or find a career that is rewarding to them, too. And, they may question it regularly, like all of us moms do, but their daily choices reflect the fact that they value themselves.

So when we meet, we all show-up with the baggage of the days we’ve had. It’s clearly on our shoulders or in our disheveled hair or in the stains on our clothes and in the sores on our heels. 

As we eventually do, we start going around the circle and talking about any future plans. Of course family planning comes up and, if you’ve been following any part of this blog-thing I’ve started, you know that I’ve been wrestling with this new chapter my husband and I are in. The one where we’re done having kids… But with these girls, I feel safe. I feel safe with them because I know they have similar reservations and because I know they wrestle with decisions like this, regularly. 

So, I said, “I guess I would totally have one more baby if I knew it wasn’t going to send my husband over the edge. Mentally, I think he’s at his max. But also, I keep asking myself whether it is responsible for me to have any more children if I also choose to keep on working.”

“I hate that you have to ask yourself that question,” one of the gals said to the group. “I can’t imagine there are any men anywhere who are sitting around drinking margaritas and asking themselves if they should keep working if they have more kids.”

She’s right. Do the number of children we bring into this world correlate to which spouse has a job and which one doesn’t? No matter what, we’re all sacrificing something.

And then the third of our trio chimed in, ”I feel like one of us has to be the one who flexes. That’s where I am, right now. When my husband is working, I am corralling our girls and ensuring we’re leaving him alone to do his thing. That includes his daily mediation, fitness goals, and anything work related. But, he and I just had a true heart-to-heart the other night and I asked out loud, ‘Where do I fit into our equation? What am I called to do? What about me?’”

Would she be asking herself this if caring for their children was the only thing she was supposed to be doing? Can we be called to more?

We all went on discussing female role expectations in society and in our family units and how impossible it all feels. 

Again, the one who is in ‘the flexing phase’ spoke up. “Sometimes, I wish we would receive more ‘thanks’ in our daily roles. You know, in the professional world, we offer thanks when a coworker completes a task. Why not from our partners when we take out the trash?” I love that she pointed that out and made the correlation; I agree wholeheartedly. 

The first of us to speak about this uneven expectation continued on, too. “As women have joined the workforce and we’ve slowly climbed ladders to become equal with our male peers in various roles, I wonder if our generation is going to be the one to discover that we can’t actually have it all? It’s just not possible.”

“That’s exactly how I feel!” I almost screamed because she said it so perfectly. “It’s this daily internal tug of war where I want to show that I am 100% invested in my career and I am also 100% invested in my family. Am I a good mom if I am allowing our nanny or my in-laws or a daycare center to assist in raising our children? I want to work so that our family can go on vacations and we can enjoy more, together.”

Again the all-knowing one of us asked the-best-of-all questions. “Is that really it, Ashley? Or, do you also work because it completes something inside you?”

I want to point out that this discussion did not begin focused on gender equalities, though you may think that’s where I was headed. It’s actually about being a human being and deciding for yourself that you deserve to both have a family, work to support that family in whatever way possible, and find an outside role that contributes to society or completes your purpose. It’s about trusting you are doing the best you can, and that other people are able to care for your kids and they’re good for your kids to know and to love. 

You may have read my post, One for the Team, where I unveil an argument my husband and I have had. I guess deep down I feel the unfairness of it all and I don’t understand why I feel this way.

Awhile ago, I had actually been listening to Kate and Oliver Hudson’s podcast, Sibling Revelry, and I had this Ah-ha moment during an episode where Kate and her mom, Goldie Hawn, hosted Amy Schumer and her sister Kim Caramele. They specifically talked about being moms with careers and getting jealous of their Nannies. 

“I have a hard time leaving [my son]…” Amy admits. “But I have been teaching myself, ‘You’re not that important. Don’t make yourself all-important to him in your mind.” And Goldie goes on to point out, “That child is learning how to love. As many people as my babies can love, that’s the greatest thing, ever. To fearlessly, love. Your child is always going to love you – unfortunately – no matter what.” 

“People don’t realize we used to live in tee-pees and we were always helping each other through child rearing; that was what we did. And now, for some reason, one woman is supposed to be everything to all of her children? It’s an impossible feat. It goes against our species’ instincts.” 

All of this dialogue to say, I don’t think there’s some perfect solution or master game plan when it comes to who works during parenthood. I think you have to pick a partner who values you. I think you have to let go of societal standards and listen deeply. I think you have to take the time to reflect on your skill-set and strengths and your own desires. This may mean actively scheduling time for girl-talk, for self-reflection, and for open discussion with your partner. It has to be on your calendar or in your planner, or your life will run you ragged instead of you running your life. 

I have so many more questions than answers, but I think the point is there is no right choice. And by allowing ourselves to actively question and struggle, we’re uncovering the best parts of ourselves. Our truth is in the struggle. Oh, and it’s in our girlfriends. I am so thankful I continue to make time for them!