Anxiety / Momming

Lessons in Anxiety 

Come along with me on this parenting nightmare… tis the season, right?

Your child refuses to sleep. Every night. They’re almost 9 years old and essentially going through sleep regression. Unlike an infant where you’re guessing about why they’re not sleeping, your child can tell you everything they’re afraid of, and much of it isn’t logical, but it’s real to them so it’s real to everyone. They just can’t get comfortable. And, there’s literally nothing you can do without them agreeing to calm down…. Unless, you understand exactly what they’re going through. And, you open up about all your own struggles and unveil everything you’ve spent years of your life hiding away …We’ve gone from scary movie to psychological thriller, here!  

So after about two weeks of Jimmy struggling with falling or staying asleep until going-on midnight, I sat down with him – ready to admit I don’t actually have it all together…

Have you been there with your child(ren)? Have you sat down with them and said, “I actually don’t have it all figured out, but, this is what I have learned in my thirty-something years.” I was not prepared for this when I decided to become a parent. I’ve always aimed to be as perfect as possible when parenting calls us to give that all up and meet our children wherever they are, wherever we are.

So anyways, as anxious people like me tend to do, Jimmy had fixated on some scary YouTube video he saw (so YouTube and KidTube have been banned in our house and deleted from all devices). He had trouble sleeping one… then two nights… and not long into that fun routine he told me, “I’m not scarred about the video anymore so I don’t know why I can sleep?! I think I am scared about not being able to sleep, now.”

If you have anxiety struggles like me and like Jimmy, then this is an ah-ha moment. 

Right before bed when I saw the sad look start to spread across his face as it usually does when he realizes it’s almost bed time, I sat down with Jimmy and I looked him in the eye and I said, 

[8:30 p.m.]

me: Buddy, I have something to tell you that will probably help you.

J: What is it Mommy?

me: I want to help you understand these feelings you’re having. You have something called anxiety, and I know this because I have it too.

J: What’s anxiety?

me: It’s when you worry about something over and over again because you don’t know how things will work themselves out and those lingering afraid-feelings prevent you from doing some things. You probably feel butterflies in your stomach and find it hard to relax or rest, right?

J: Oh… yea, that’s what I feel like.

me: Well, the only way to beat anxiety is to come up with a plan. You need a plan to make it stop. 

J: A plan for what?

me: A plan for what you’re worried about. What are you worried about?

J: I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall asleep. 

me: And if you can’t fall asleep, then what will happen?

J: And then I’ll be too sleepy and cranky and I won’t feel good for school.

me: So what’s our plan?

J: Um, I don’t know.

me: Well, how about this? Let’s pretend you can’t fall asleep until midnight. How about I will let you sleep-in until the last possible minute, tomorrow? If you seem like you’re having a hard time, then I’ll send you back to bed and you’ll get some more sleep and I’ll call the school and say you’re sick and you’ll take a half-day. You will get to school in time for lunch. 

J: (instant relief) Oh… ok! That seems like a good plan. 

me: See? We can come up with a plan for anything. And now, you don’t have to worry about falling asleep. Whenever it is you happen to fall asleep, you will. Then, we’ll have a plan. So, let’s go to bed and we’ll see how you are in the morning. 

[9:01 p.m.]

J: 😴 

me: 🤍

Who knew that my most pivotal parenting moments would happen from my knees instead of towering above the little people I’ve birthed? How humbling. And how reassuring. Everything I’ve been through, especially the really hard things, I will probably use to not only relate to others but to help others. Life is funny…

I do have to share the follow-up…

[8:00 a.m. next-day]

J: Wow! I got a whole night’s sleep!

me: I’m not surprised 😏

J: Mommy, you said that you have anxiety too.

me: I do. I was especially anxious about one thing when I was your age and actually I just started to stop being so anxious about it a couple of years ago. 

J: what is it?

me: (pause…) Well, here’s the thing about you and me… we also get anxious FOR other people. Like, if we know someone else is anxious about something, we tend to be anxious for them and with them. So, I’m not sure I want to tell you because I don’t want you to be anxious about what I am anxious about, especially when I’m not anxious about it so much anymore. 

J: Oh… yea, that’s probably a good idea. Maybe don’t tell me.

🙉

[2 days later…]

I’ve had this ‘cold’ for 3 weeks and it has started to go to my ears and I’m not getting much sleep and I just went to urgent care and had my ears irrigated. I’m sitting in my chair, feeling crummy and pretty dejected before bedtime, when…

J: Mommy, are you feeling anxious?

me: (caught off guard) Well, yes, I think I am Jim…

J: So… what’s your plan?

😇♥️

May your day, too, be filled with way less anxiety and more solid plans!

………