Momming

Girl Mom

Growing up, I was always the girl who could help her friends paint their nails, braid their hair, choreograph at-home dance recitals, and host the ultimate girls night sleepover complete with a DIY spa and sipping cream soda from a plastic wine glass while watching chick-flicks. Naturally, I was the teacher when we played school and the most fashionable Barbie of the doll house mansion. I revel in being girly…

Especially throughout high school, college, and the season of weddings for my friends, I became the one who helped my friends fix their up-dos or perfect eye make-up. It goes without saying, I have very much looked forward to having my own daughter who I could do all of these things with. Teaching her how to put her brown hair into a pony tail, brush on a thin layer of mascara, or carefully pull on panty-hose. I’ve looked forward to having a little part of me and my heart walking around outside of my body for as long as I can remember. A little gal who I could model for, re-experience all of my fondest activities with, and let her find her own way to shine or express herself through all-things-girl.

And, when I was gifted with the miracle of our first child who turned out to be the most beautiful little boy, I was still over-the-moon! I loved watching Zach show-him-the-ropes when it comes to being a cool-dude and I geeked over watching my little man model after his daddy. I could tell Zach was reliving his childhood watching his son’s beginning.

Another blessing came along less than two years later; a second boy. I wasn’t too disappointed. Watching brothers interact is so special. Even when, together, they were (and still are) quite the hand-full, I just love spending time with my boys. They keep me active and have taught me so many skills I’ve never thought necessary. You know, I’ve found I really love playing an impromptu game of baseball in the front yard. Plus, for sure a girl would be on the horizon and I would get my time just like Zach has had his.

And then there was that day when we discovered our third was another boy… it was so tough. The moment she put the sonogram on my stomach, I saw the penis. I’m not joking! Being number three, I knew what to look for. Though I hate to admit it, my heart sank what felt like 12 stories…

Immediately, my eyes filled with tears and I resisted speaking for fear my voice would break. While the tech showed us all of the wonderful, healthy anatomy of our little boy, I felt so angry. Angry that I was disappointed and angry that I still wouldn’t have the chance to shine with all of my girl-mom-skills. Our appointment was first-thing in the morning, and I couldn’t bare pretending I was fine for an entire day at the office. So, I took the rest of the day off work and I cried and cried. Avoiding the inevitable answer to the question from all of my peers: Boy or Girl?

Even worse, I remained in denial for the next 20 weeks. Surely, the tech was wrong and I didn’t really see what I saw! I purchased a new swaddle cloth set for the baby that came with either a bow or a plain cap. And, I packed it into the new diaper bag – in a well-hidden compartment – that we would take to the hospital, (just in case “she” would surprise us all).  After my big push and the baby was outside of my body, I looked around excitedly and stayed hopeful until the nurses placed him on my stomach. Immediately, I felt ….matter-of-factness, relief, joy, pride, happiness, and finality, all at once. He was truly breath-taking. But still not the girly surprise I had hoped would don my secret bow.

I don’t think I’ve told anyone this story.

I watch Zach with our three boys and it’s the most beautiful thing. He gets to say things like, “Well, I have my foursome!” They play video games together and I see the joy on their little faces and know in my heart that is the way Zach looked as a little boy. They practice their pitching and batting outside, they pee on the backyard trees, they rock-out to loud music, and they roll in mud and track it inside all over my floors and furniture. 

Which are all fun things I never knew I’d enjoy until I had my boys.

I hate to admit it, but when I get to know new vendors or friends through networking engagements or work, I ask about their families and I hold my breath. If someone tells me they have three children and then volunteer the genders, I secretly hope I don’t hear “girl”… 

I’ve been sent stories of boy-moms who are 100% content being so, and my friends who also say how happy they are with their all-boy-lot. I want to join them! I feel I should join them! But my heart just isn’t in it… and I feel like such a jerk because of my feelings.

Yes, I am very aware that there are those who cannot physically bare children, who desperately want to. What they’re going through is even less fair. And yet, we’re all able to feel…

Perhaps my vision can come true in other ways. Maybe I am supposed to help girls at Sunday school or youth group. Maybe I am supposed to be a counselor at a women’s shelter. Maybe I’ll help my sisters’ or friends’ daughters with their hair for their future school dances.  

Maybe once I give myself the time to fully heal from this third pregnancy and childbirth, I’ll look back on these feelings and say they were just feelings and I am complete in an unexpected and imperfectly-perfect way. And, maybe I won’t. Regardless, Zach and I have made the decision to be “complete” in our family. 

I can allow myself to be sad as I count all of our “lasts” with our third. I’m learning at this moment – right now – what giving myself grace really means. I’m going to be able to offer grace to the next boy-mom who just wants to be real about her feelings. Whether you’re so-glad you didn’t end up with a girl or you long for her like I feel I do, it’s o.k. to sit in that feeling. It doesn’t have to go away, and it may not. Whether your life-long vision for your life has been met or not, you still have to choose the best path for you and your family, and the decision may be fluid. 

I may not be a girl-mom, but I’ll enjoy being a girly-mom in a wild, little boy world.