Momming

Closing a Chapter

Closing a Chapter

Just 10 years ago, I was putting all of the finishing touches on our wedding day.  You know, calling or emailing my vendors and picking up decorations and assembling all of our programs for 300 guests. The butterflies were scattering around my stomach and I walked with a little prance in my step everywhere I went. I was so excited to begin this next chapter, finally.

We had just become home owners, too, and we were slowly improving our little starter home with flooring, carpeting, new-to-us furnishings, window treatments, and deciding where to incorporate early wedding gifts into our floor plan.  We were busy in this prologue of our life together gathering all of the things we thought we needed before we said “I do”. 

Everything was ahead of me. And soon, everything would be ahead of “US”. 

In the midst of having my hair highlighted just-right and getting my nails done, I was thinking about all of our upcoming firsts. Our first trip together would be our honeymoon. After that, we’d bring home our first puppy. We’d enjoy our first Christmas and toast to the new year with more firsts to come. But most of all, I was looking forward to becoming pregnant with our first daughter or son.

Of course, I was absolutely naive. How could I not be? I did almost everything according to the storybooks and exactly what my parents told me I had to do. I met my husband in high school and knew he was “it” the moment he made me smile. I minded the rest of my P’s and Q’s throughout my high school and college career and grabbed the first job that came along so I could support us while he went to law school. But, what I was most excited for through it all was starting my own family.

So, as I watch my beloved husband – the one who helped me create three beautiful lives – slowly sounder through the clinic’s doorway to alter the way his DNA ultimately ignites and reproduces with my own, I cannot help but mourn. 

All of the hopefulness that comes through discovering you’re pregnant together will be no longer. All of the longing and preparation and expectation that goes into the nearly ten months of pregnancy, no longer. All of the trepidation, joyfulness, amazement, and exhaustion that comes out of the miracle of child birth has altogether come to an end for us… 

It’s no longer about our firsts.

As the door closes behind him and I hear the nurse say, “We’ll be in this room”, my mind’s eye gives me the beautiful memory of his smile as I walked down the aisle of our church nearly 10 years ago on our wedding day. My second thought was of the moment he became a father, fear and love in his eyes the moment they laid our son on my chest. We were both unaware of all of our parental struggles that lay ahead, yet we clumsily and lovingly welcomed two additional boys into our arms over years.

And my final thought as he disappeared to undergo the procedure was that he has become the most handsome man I have ever met. No one will believe me, but I had seen his potential and, ultimately, our potential when we were so young. Falling in love aside, he has exceeded everything I could have hoped for in a partner. Truly, ten years has been so good to him and his body and he has changed so much, all because of his will to be the best he can be. So, how could I still question whether I am fulfilled as a wife of a great man and a mother of three boys? Is saying “we’re done” to be my choice?

I don’t feel qualified to make this decision – to end the chapter of childbearing years for our family… We’ve had countless conversations, especially after our third boy was born. They were all led by Zach as he excitedly talked about our next chapter and our new focus on the three healthy children we have. How we’d never have a little girl and how we will be o.k. distinguishing my life-long visions of being a girl-mom. 

How could I lead this initiative, being that my dreams were not met in the way I’d imagined? YES, I love each of these boys. YES, each of their personalities and demeanors fulfill me in a myriad of ways. YES, I feel so done being pregnant – the aftermath recovery is pretty challenging for me physically and mentally. 

Zach has asked me, if we had had a girl, would I be done? Yes, yes I would. But since we haven’t, am I done?

What I can say, is that ten years and experiencing three young boys later, I look back on the Ashley of our wedding day and giggle. She was always rushing towards the next phase! And now, the Ashley of today doesn’t want change, doesn’t want to rush it. What I know is chaos and children. What I know is the surprise of discovering we’ve created another miracle inside of me and that I would be caring for him in my womb methodically for ten long months and for however long it takes to raise him, afterwards. 

What do the next ten years look like for us? I’ll have to be o.k. not knowing. All I can do is keep being the best boy-mom I can be to these three and not worry about what could have been or what could be. Regardless of our visions for our lives, where we are right now has to be enough. Based on what our own story looks like, we have to make that choice. Chapter 3 …..