Purpose

Simply (Un)Deserving

Sometimes I feel so undeserving… Actually, that’s exactly how I’ve always lived out my life. 

You know how folks get to the finish line of a race or complete a test they’ve been studying for and they know they put in the work and they’re confident they tried their best? When the pressure lifts, they feel relieved. That’s not me. Why? Because I scrutinize. I immediately wonder what I could’ve done better. I put myself down again, and again, and again.

For example, I’ve never liked my body. When I was younger, it never compared to anyone else’s. It’s always taken up too much space. And since having babies, I am mad at it for not yielding to the work I put in every day to bring it back to what it once was. I can’t consume, let alone enjoy, a birthday cupcake without thinking it’ll go straight to my flabby arms. Even though I really enjoy a good cupcake. And then I reason that it makes sense – I don’t deserve a body like the people I envy. I don’t deserve a body that is kind to me. That’s for people who actually deserve such things. I am simply underserving. 

I’ve been up against a brick wall in my career a few times, now. At various points I would try my damnedest to show my superiors that there’s another way, and they wouldn’t listen. Over and over, I was put in my place and told that I should be grateful for the job I had. Actually, now that I look back I probably assumed I should be grateful for the jobs I’ve had. Of course I didn’t see what I’ve garnered over the years of doing what was asked of me. In all reality, I’ve been slowly honing my crafts. Jack of all trades…. master of none. Until recently, I didn’t see my ease in connecting with people, in creating clever campaigns, in rolling up my sleeves and getting any little job done for the goal of the bigger picture. I didn’t realize that these skills were unique. I’ve continually missed the fact that my gift was my own wit and sheer will. I’ve always let it be about the team’s win. Maybe you know me and you can tell I am most comfortable being behind the scenes, making everyone else look great! And maybe that’s my gift! Until very recently when I’ve taken the time to reflect on my journey to this moment, I continued to see myself as simply undeserving.

And, now I’m waist deep in children, and I’ve found myself trying to hold onto a career the way I’ve always known it to be while attempting to be the mother I had promised myself I would be. I’ve been fortunate in my childcare options, but I continue to say really harsh things in my subconscious; at times I am angry at myself for choosing to pursue a career over being there for them, all day every day. I’ve been wrestling with the guilt. I continue to feel unworthy. I’ve run myself ragged on non-work days to try and make up for the fact that I choose to be a working mother: the cooking, the cleaning, the playing, the putting off emails and deadlines … And I’ve asked myself: What kind of good mother gets to have a careershe loves? What kind of professional gets to also be a good mother? Are mothers allowed to want to work outside their homes when they choose to have their babies? I am simply undeserving.

It turns out, though, I’ve been wrong about my value.

What has all the time I’ve spent thinking I am so undeserving actually gotten me?

Maybe the space I was feeling my body take up wasn’t representative of my physique. What if the space I felt I was taking up was actually because of my leadership qualities or my cheerleader mentality or that I am keenly aware of everyone else’s needs? What if my weight and the weight I took on in feeling everyone else’s needs only meant I needed to be strong?

What if being a Jack of all trades is a gift? What if it only means that I am coachable and I am able to help in so many facets and that makes me more marketable?

What if being a good mom to my boys is just BEING PRESENT? What if being a good mom is about simply taking the time to get to know your children well enough so that you can let your tight grip go and empower them uncover the world themselves? You’re not there for them every second but you’re there for them in only the way their momma can be – to feel their feelings alongside them and to listen intently, ready to pull them close when they need you to.

So, I ate a giant cookie the other day. It. Was. Gloriously chocolatey and crispy on the edges while being soft in its center. It was one amazing cookie…. but, I immediately felt sick. How could I put something so terrible for me inside my body? All that work at the gym and I’ve messed it up in a matter of minutes… 1,000 calories…. I am ruined.

And then I thought about all the running around I had just done. I had gotten up early to pack lunches for art camp and made my kids breakfast and I showered and put makeup on to go meet with a couple of my clients. I had traveled to Columbus and back for a big training I had put together for 30 people, and I had chosen very healthy food up to the glorious cookie. I then soared to the ball field to watch my boys play, and I followed my toddler around as he picked up rocks and dirt and ate things off the ground before heading home to whip up dinner for everyone and finish the day with bath time and reading.

So right then, I slapped my own face and told myself to stop it. Stop comparing yourself to the self you think you want, and let yourself be the YOU that you are. You are the one who enjoys a cookie, sometimes. Your body carried three healthy eight-pound-babies in your belly and then three 30-pound babies on your hips, thereafter. You’ve juggled careers and home-life needs for over a decade. You’ve put others first, almost always – a damn cookie is GOOD for you. Also, it’s just a cookie… why give it so much power?

I think what I’ve uncovered in my 30s is that I’ve spent my whole life, up to this point, wanting to be some version of myself that I picked through a magazine of personas and physiques that are culturally the ones everyone wants to be. But I’ve realized, they are not ‘my best’. And my best has to be good enough. I am good enough. I deserve to be my best self – nothing more, nothing less. And while I’ve been aiming for things that just aren’t feasible, I’ve missed what is feasible: happiness. contentment. joy. belonging.

There are so many people who love me just the way I am. I am certain the same goes for you. And who I am is unique and creative and helpful and generous and positive and especially grateful.

If I flip my own script, then I can say I am deserving of those things because I SIMPLY ‘am those things’ and we need me to be me, and we need all people to be themselves. You are you. You are going to help someone or someones, someday, and maybe even every day. Without you being you, the world will miss out on something it needs. It needs you to recognize and see your worth.

So, I’ve decided MY GOAL is to flip my script.

Every time I start to question my value, I will immediately start my new mantra:

I am worthy.

I bring value.

I am strong.

I am simply, deserving.

And just like that, I am Ashley: mother of 3 wild boys, Jack of All Trades, and a force to be reckoned with. And, I just know that somewhere in your new mantra are those things, too.

Afterward:

On June 26, 2021, I had the privilege of speaking to a small group of women in the middle of our hike around Riverbend Park on behalf of Ryse Fitness Studio. These were the words I shared to hopefully inspire others to set personal goals, maybe like mine: establish a mantra that allows me some grace but also holds me accountable.